Run Away Train

My apologies for being out of touch the past week I’ve been fighting a cold and the past 2 days I been fight my own self-doubt and losing terribly. I have woken up the past 2 morning crying for no apparent reason, but yes, there is a reason, I guess there always is. Maybe it has all come out because I had a cold and was under the weather, but it is now out in full effect. (which has also delayed me in writing you)

Let see what has happened:

1) I received a really nice letter from an Art Director at Rembrandt’s Hat a London based card company. They want more samples for a possible product line. This is a good thing right. But the images they liked are so old. Does it matter that they are so old? No. Should it matter? No. But, somehow it DOES matter to me. What if I can’t redo that character’s likeness? What if I can’t draw that way anymore? What if I do all of this work for nothing? What if they don’t like my new stuff? What about the 10 other “what if’s” that I am worried about but can think of right this second?

Here is the email correspondence:

—– Original Message —–
From: xxxxxxx
Sent: 3/15/2005 2:45:03 AM
Subject: Re: Time frame

Hi Cindy

By the way if you could send me any sketches by the end of March I would
appreciate it. As I am planning on holding the meeting at the beginning of

Many thanks

—– Original Message —–
From: xxxxxxxx
Sent: 3/15/2005 2:31:17 AM
Subject: Re: Images

Hi Cindy

Thanks for your quick response and the offer to send me a selection of
sketches. I would also be interested to see ideas along the lines of the
moving card featuring the truck. I feel this look could also work as a range
of graphic cards.

Regarding the website I’m not sure why you couldn’t access it but please try
the following links -

Both these links seem to work on my PC so hopefully they will take you
straight to our website. If not, please let me know and I will arrange for
our latest catalogue to be sent to you instead.

Kind regards


—– Original Message —–
From: “Cindy Ann Ganaden CiNdY MeDiA .com
To: xxxxxxxxxx
Sent: Monday, March 14, 2005 7:40 PM
Subject: Re: Images

Dear xxxxxx,

Thank you for your interest in my work. I would love to have the opportunity
to send you more samples as well as some sketches touching on the other
topics that you mentioned for the red head character. What is the time
frame that you would need these materials in order to be able to present
them at your next group meeting?

Unfortunately, I was unable to access your website. Do you think you can
resend me that link? I would definitely like to be able to look at your
different lines of cards.

I am excited about the possibility of working with you.

Thank for your time and attention. I look forward to hearing from you soon.


Cindy Ann

—– Original Message —–
From: xxxxxxxx
Sent: 3/14/2005 7:12:19 AM
Subject: Images

Dear Cindy

At present I am researching new ideas for the art card publisher,
Rembrandt’s Hat. I viewed your website earlier today and was struck by 2
images that I thought could be developed in to a range of greeting cards.

The first was Flowers for teacher from the Red head series of pictures. I
feel this style would work well and could be reworked to incorporate
images such as birthday gifts, cakes, champagne bottles, party scenes,
love hearts, champagne bottles, cats, golf (all sports) and so on. The
second image I really liked was the moving card featuring the truck. I
really liked the retro feel, simplicity of the design and brown
background. Once again I thought the style could be applied to a number of
the above ideas to create a selection of striking cards.

For your reference new ideas are selected by image sheets being presented
to a small group of people every few months. This meeting is an
opportunity for me to introduce new concepts to the rest of the company. I
would be very keen to include the 2 looks mentioned above in the next
meeting. Now there are 2 ways I can go about this…either I can just
print out the 2 images from your website for the meeting. Or you are
welcome to send me sketches to include in my presentation. To be honest
the more visual material I have the better as this enables everyone to
have a clear picture of what the cards / range will look like. However,
please note I am unable to purchase initial sketches / designs at this

If you are able to send me any visual material I would be very grateful
and of course will return all material after the meeting. I am happy to
view sketches, images on disc (jpegs. tiffs etc) or transparencies. If the
designs are selected to be published we pay xxx.00 GBP per image. This fee
is for 3 years worldwide greeting card only rights. Plus you will be sent
50 free card samples of each design.

We have a great deal of experience working with artists, galleries and art
organisations. If you would like to find out more about Rembrandt’s Hat
please feel free to contact me or visit our website

I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards


xxxx xxxxxx
Art Director
Rembrandt’s Hat

2) I received my first rejection letter for Franklin from Chronicle Books. This happened at the peak of my sickness while I was lying in bed and drowsy on NyQuil so it took a little while to sink in that I actually did get a rejection letter from them. Thought it was a very nice rejection letter and did go to the top it was a rejection letter nonetheless. I knew that it wasn’t going to get accepted everywhere but…Chronicle is where I felt I should of had an inside edge since I know the art director there and I actually had really wanted it to be them that accepted it. My ego is definitely a little bruised. (I’ll send you a copy of the letter tomorrow. I forgot to bring it into work today.)

3) My story review went OK in class last week. I guess if I really think about it, it did go well and I might just be being hard on myself. But I didn’t get all the answers I was looking for. What I mainly got was a bunch more questions to think about like should this story be a chapter book instead of a picturebook? – This in not something I even considered, since I am an illustrator and have always seen the illustrations and primary and the text secondary. So a ton more to think about and answer all by myself.

4) I had a mini breakdown over my day job. It’s spring and I am still here. I feel like I keep putting off the job hunt. Just do this first, just wait a little longer for this or that to happen before I decide to go. I feel like I’ve been doing the whole time I’ve been here. I really need to motivate and just find a new job. I don’t know if it’s really just fear of change that is keeping me here or what. I feel trapped but I feel like the only person trapping myself here is me. (And the money – I don’t know if I told you or not but they just recently gave me a 4.5% raise after in the past only receiving a1% or at most 1.25% increase. So I guess it a big deal, but just makes it that much harder to leave) I feel like I keep making excuses for reasons to stay and that in doing so I going to be stuck here forever.

5) Yesterday I helped my husband shoot some photo set ups and it felt really good to help him and work as a team. He keeps on telling me I should freelance art direct, but I’ve never done it before so who is going to hire me. I sure I could do it if someone would give me a chance. (That’s pretty much the theme with everything for me these days- I can write and illustrate a children’s book, just give me a chance. I can design. I can art direct, just give me a chance.)

We recently had some friends from Sweden come and stay with us with their 2 young girls. So because of their visit the topic of babies came up between Jay and I. We will be married 3 years this October and thought this topic has come up before it seem to be a subject that has been coming up with more and more frequency. I’d like to have a baby soon but how do you know when it’s the right time? Is there a 10-question quiz that will tell you if you are ready to have a baby or not? How do you know? If we decide to do this soon how will this effect me getting my illustration work off the ground and how will it affect Jay and his photography business. I want him to succeed at this. I really think he is a really good photographer and does really great work. Can we handle balancing all of this? People do it all the time, but will we be able to? Am I wanting too much too early and at the wrong time?

6) I’ve been questioning a lot of the decisions I have made in my life recently and if I have made the right ones? What is wrong with me? Why do I keep second-guessing myself? Sometime I feel like I am on the right track and other times I feel like I totally derailed and I’m on a run away train over a cliff. Today I definitely feel like I almost ready to go over a cliff.

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