How am I going to screw this up?

This is awesome. This is great news. Right? But what I am really thinking now is how am I going to screw this up? I alway have a way of self-sabotage myself. I get nervous and fumble and totally screw things up. Now I feel like I am waiting for the moment to come. It’s strange, I don’t know how I always find a way to turn something really good into something awful. It is completely pitiful ’cause I know there would be other people that would die to be in my shoes right now, however they probably wouldn’t be think about how they were going to screw this up.

On the complete flip side I’ve been daydreaming about sending the rest of my dummy books and manuscripts out and getting multiple offers, and then having to send out retraction letters and getting calls from editors that are really disappointed I retracted my story ’cause they were just about to contact me about it and give me a contract. This is so completely over the top and will never happen. How can I have such negative thoughts one second and then this lofty daydream the next? I sometimes think there is something wrong with me. The way that I can swing from one extreme to the next. ———Well my family is a bunch of extremists, and I like to think that I’m more sensible and moderate then the rest of them, but look at me now. I’m just as bad as they are.

I need to come to some sort of middle ground with my thought about this or it’s just going to consume me and drive me crazy.

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